nagia | Five thousandth verse, same as the first WHEN YOU ARE APPARENTLY FUCKING DEAF

Skip to Main Content

Entry tags:

Five thousandth verse, same as the first WHEN YOU ARE APPARENTLY FUCKING DEAF

Okay, background.

I have been fucking disowned by my mother. Her last words to me, when I packed my shit and left, were that she hoped I died in a car crash. My mother told me she wants me to die in a car crash. That kind of emotional tailspin does not magically disappear just because I've been verbally hired by a decent-paying job. I will not feel better about any of this shit until I have a concrete start date, and possibly my first paycheck in my hand -- and that will just mean the end of "What am I going to do? How am I going to eat? Where am I going to live" fretting, not the emotional fucking tailspin of my own mother apparently hating me.

I swear to god he either delights in pissing me off, does not think I am human, or does not actually speak the same English as the rest of us English speakers.

When I say, "I'm really upset about what's going on right now, and it means I'm not going to be good company," I am really fucking upset about what's going on right now and am not going to be good company.

When I say, "I honestly have no preferences," I honestly have no preferences. And, hint, I have no preference because I got 99 problems and trivial, everyday decision bullshit ain't one.

When I say, "Yes, I'm anxious, and yes, I'm very tense right now, and no, that's not going to change until there's some kind of resolution" I mean I am not going to fucking magically be happy just because you don't understand why I'm upset.

When I try to explain what's upset me, and you fucking fall asleep on me, don't fucking expect me to try to explain again.

When I tell you that because I'm upset, I don't want to be touched, stop fucking touching me. PERIOD. Do not hug me. Do not try to lie next to me. Do not cuddle, do not ask me to feel your muscles, do not put your feet on me. DON'T GODDAMN TOUCH ME. WHY IS THIS DIFFICULT? No, I don't want your fucking affection. If I wanted it, I would be asking for it or expressing it myself.

If I wake up at five in the fucking morning because of your goddamn alarm and can't get back to sleep because I never can get back to sleep, because that is what my fucking ADHD means, I DON'T FUCKING NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT I'M STILL AWAKE. NOR DO I NEED YOU TO EXHORT ME TO GO BACK TO SLEEP. IF IT WERE PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, I'D BE ASLEEP ALREADY.

It's the "constantly expecting me to magically be over this" and the constant, neverending TOUCHING that is really bothering me. I am extremely straight-forward. If I tell you that I'm in a fucked-up emotional place that isn't going to get fixed anytime soon, I mean it. And if I tell you not to fucking touch me until I feel better, I mean that, too.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's a damn shame that listening to what other people say, rather than just hearing it and waiting for the break in the conversation to run your fucking mouth, is such a lost skill in the world these days.

I'm so sorry, on all levels. Obviously "sorry" doesn't begin to approach being helpful, but it's there, for what it's worth.

(Also it sounds like someone's skull needs to be making friends with Mr. Louisville Slugger, I'm just sayin'.)

When I'm frustrated and sleep deprived, I agree about introducing a certain skull to my close friend Mr. Blunt Instrument.

With him, I can never tell whether it's "just waiting for an opening to say something inane" or "genuinely does not think that the words coming out of my mouth matter." That uncertainty is probably pretty telling in itself. Either way, he's definitely not practicing the lost of art of listening.

And thank you. I really wasn't expecting anybody to read this, much less reply or sympathize.

I think the uncertainty does sound pretty telling, I think. :/ I'm sorry. That's such a rough place to be in.

You're welcome. I do try to read, though I don't always reply, and I definitely read when it looks like Important Life Things. I wish you the best of luck getting back on your feet. ♥

♥ Thank you. I do mean that.

We're having a gift of the magi moment here I swear, or maybe I'm just tired: you always read, espeically the Important Life Stuff. I try to make sure I never post any Important Life Stuff to get in the way of the fandom sillyness, and make sure to cut any entry where that might happen so you don't have to read it.

Also also I see your dragoon and raise you a different dragoon but this is totally irrelevant.

As much as I love fannish glee, it is the people I am here for. So. You know.

Dragoons everywhere!

You certainly have my sympathies. I've been very fortunate that

akatonbo is one of the rare people who actually believes me when I say "Really, even though I'm visibly upset, I can't stand being touched right now" or "I need to have a room where I can be 100% alone right now". Having encountered plenty of people who think that should be met with "Awwww, you need a hug!", I know how obnoxious that part is, at the least.

It's amazing how people hear "CLEARLY PHYSICAL CONTACT WILL MAKE THIS ALL BETTER!" when we are actually saying, "Please stop touching me."

You kind of have to wonder if they have some sort of weird mental bypass set up, so all they hear is "I AM DISTRESSED! HUG ME!" no matter what you say. (Or they just don't care, but "weirdo mental bypass" is less depressing.)

I'm rooting for you, hon. If you need to talk, I'm always here. And no, that hurt isn't going to go away. But you didn't deserve to have that hate.

I'm not sure life is about what we deserve. Then again, I am a deeply cynical person made more cynical right now by sleep dep and wangst. And you're right, I didn't really deserve that kind of crap.

Thank you for the offer ♥ Maybe someday I'll lay it out in full. Right now it feels like it would be dwelling, which I already do a lot of.

Also, randomly, is your default icon Rinoa's design from Dead Fantasy?

Yes, yes it is. :)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only