mix you up some some magic

Adderall shortage continues unabated. I may be ready to kill somebody. Or take apart my oven to stop the government watching me. It's kind of a toss-up.

Also, it's damned good to finally have a safe space for my brother to come to and get the hell away from my father. It's just as rough being the favored child as it is the failure; for one, he needs to control the favored child more. I'd never considered that, but now I'm seeing it in action.

Sage isn't immune to the constant seething tension, the sensation that somewhere under the surface his father is ramping up toward something terrible. I find I don't envy him for being the golden child anymore. Now I'm just afraid for him, because people aren't built for pedestals, and I honestly cannot say what Dad will do if Sage ever gets brought down to less than perfect.

Alright, everyone. The big move is tomorrow (later today, really). Even once I get my computer set up, there's really no telling when I'll have recreational web access. Hopefully by Friday, but I'm honestly not sure.

Love you all (and I'll even miss a few of you). ♥

I'm probably going to need a Kuroshitsuji icon, apparently. I'm trying to resist entering the fandom, because lord knows I have enough going on, and if I've got the brain power to chillax to crazy anime, I should obviously be finishing Gifts & Treasures.

But every time I look at G&T, I just have this despairing sense of being unable to chart the journey from Point C to Point D. Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with the fic's foundation -- not so much a matter of structure; more like it's based on a false or faulty understanding of... something. It's indefinable. Not quite a "block" (words won't come), more like "all these words keep showing up, and none of them are right, and any attempt at finding the right words makes every single one of the old words look wrong."

So instead, I'm watching Kuroshitsuji. A couple of years ago, back at the last AWA I got to go to (last year there was ridic congroup drama followed immediately by ridic Brian drama; this year I simply didn't have the money. Next year will be better), I saw the first episode and immediately wanted more. And was, naturally, unable to find it, because back then I had crap for internet and couldn't stream video or torrent.

But now that I have access to decent internets, I've got my terrible little paws on it and am watching it like delicious braincandy.

(I'm only in like episode 13 of season 1, but have read the TVT page and so at least have a few ideas of what to expect from this plot.)

And you know, as okay as I am with the fact that Sebastian pretty much has to eat Ciel's soul if the manga and (season 1) anime are going to keep the contract they made with the viewer...

That's really not that the future I want to see happen. For all that I know that the nature of the series and the characters involved means it's highly unlikely... what I want to see is a functional (if quirky and sometimes tense) relationship between Ciel, Sebastian, and Elizabeth. The kind you'd get if Ciel lived long enough to marry Lizzy, and Lizzy was perceptive enough to see the intimacy of the nebulous thing going on between Ciel and Sebastian, and Sebastian was mature enough to see that Lizzy is important to Ciel without hating her for it.

Basically, I want the fic that has all three of them meeting in the middle, without diminishing or demonizing any of the three.

Is that fic out there?

Embers is now on Chapter 56. I adore the fic, I really do (especially now that Kenshin and Kaoru have cameo'd; I'm waiting for Misao and Aoshi), but I'm actually getting kind of tired of it.

I want to see more RK work from her.

Now, excuse me, I'm going to off and whine like an entitled child.

Okay, background.

I have been fucking disowned by my mother. Her last words to me, when I packed my shit and left, were that she hoped I died in a car crash. My mother told me she wants me to die in a car crash. That kind of emotional tailspin does not magically disappear just because I've been verbally hired by a decent-paying job. I will not feel better about any of this shit until I have a concrete start date, and possibly my first paycheck in my hand -- and that will just mean the end of "What am I going to do? How am I going to eat? Where am I going to live" fretting, not the emotional fucking tailspin of my own mother apparently hating me.

( Crazed ranting. Cross-reference any post regarding my father ever. )

It's the "constantly expecting me to magically be over this" and the constant, neverending TOUCHING that is really bothering me. I am extremely straight-forward. If I tell you that I'm in a fucked-up emotional place that isn't going to get fixed anytime soon, I mean it. And if I tell you not to fucking touch me until I feel better, I mean that, too.

Sweet Ashura singing, if I never have another week like this one in my life, it will be too soon.

Behind the cut is a long ramble about why I just don't feel the extra-team romances, technical necessities, and fun-house mirrors. ( Also about whether Haley has ever been out of the fridge since Season 1. Mostly about the mirrors, though, one way or another. )

I'm on chapter five of seven outlined, and I am getting closer and closer to wordcount. The "doll" has been introduced, and so have Kore and The Book. Took a break for a few days, then sat down and pounded out 1,400 words in one sitting. I'm going to shoot for more.

Thank bog I have a few days off so I can work on this baby. (I am, possibly hilariously, staring at chapter five going "What now?")

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In other news, started writing a CM casefic in the moments I can spare from G&T. Setting it in my hometown, basically because I can and because it's the only place I know well enough to set a murder mystery in. Working title is "Tell Her That I'll Never Roam," and if you ever see me bitching about "the Glenn Miller fic" or "the Chattanooga Choo Choo fic," this is the one I'm talking about.

It's going to be set in a timeline of three fics exploring exactly why JJ took the stalker case in "The Crossing" so personally. (And, frankly, "She's pregnant!" did not explain it to me.) I have no idea if exactly what happened (and when, and why, and how persistent the emotional reaction is) will come out in "Tell Her That I'll Never Roam," but it's possible. I'm leaning toward "won't," however, or "won't be stated to other characters (though the observant ones may suss it out)".

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And for RK, I've also started looking harder at "Untold Oceans," which will never be posted and is even squickier and more fucked up than "Hard Times," in fits and starts. There's actually not a water motif running throughout this one (unlike, oh, every other fic I've ever written). Title's a variant on "10,000 Oceans."

"Catch Me" is being quiet. Which is probably a good thing, considering how my brain wants to make absolutely everything (including G&T, though I'm resisting mightily) into a squickfest. I'm writing/plotting enough squicky things in the RK fandom right now. Don't need to go adding to the list.

The single image -- as in still frame -- in RuroKen that breaks my heart the most, every single time, is the shot of Misao chasing Kenshin, while Aoshi moves through the crowd a heartbeat away.

And then Kaoru moves toward Misao, only a heartbeat away from Kenshin.

And they never see the people their hearts are set on.

It feels like a thematic statement. And even though I know Watsuki would never have seen it as such, it feels like some sort of microcosmic metaphor for life itself. It feels like I should probably go the hell to bed and stop waxing philosophical. Or maybe I should just stop reading House of Leaves

1. My mother is now fine. She had two blockages, and had two stents put in. She's home, she's safe, and now she's being her bitchy self.

2. She and husbandthing are arguing again. He's threatening to leave. She's saying she can't stand him.

I really need to move out. I feel like their drama is holding me hostage. And yet how can I even think of moving out when my mother just had a heart attack?